


All Too Well

by soufflepuff



Series: illicit affairs [1]
Category: MY FIRST STORY (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Flashbacks, Just angst really, M/M, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:53:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26712490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soufflepuff/pseuds/soufflepuff
Summary: It was the one real thing he's ever felt, and he remembered it all too well.
Relationships: Nishizawa Teruki/Sasaki "Kid'z" Shohei
Series: illicit affairs [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1990861
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	All Too Well

**Author's Note:**

> hiiii first of all i would like to apologize  
> second, this is heavily influenced by taylor swift's all too well and i have been wanting to write this ever since forever and it has been challenging to do so. but i finally finished it im patting myself in the back

Shohei knew that it was long gone, and that the magic was not there anymore. He looked over through the window, trying to distance himself from the past memories of his love. He watched as autumn leaves fell like pieces into place, almost as if they’re falling down artistically in the right places. Shohei thought of how those leaves reflected his past relationship, like puzzle pieces put together, and how it was growing tighter and tighter. He wanted to forget about it, but as if it was right there in front of him, he could still visualize all the moments they’ve spent together.

He remembered the first time walking through the door of the empty apartment with Teru. The air was cold, but something about it felt like home somehow. He still couldn’t believe that they were getting their own apartment, after what felt like a hazy conversation in the backseat of the car, both of them drunk, possibly on something stronger than the drinks in the bar. When Teru casually said that he’s renting a new place, and Shohei jokingly suggested to move in with him, he didn’t think that it would actually happen.

What started in a drunken exchange ended in sacred new beginnings. Like a fresh page on the desk, their new empty apartment, they filled in the blanks as they go.

Thinking about those times now though, he couldn’t seem to remember why Teru was so bad for him despite the fact that he’d just lived the worst pain in his life. In amidst of reminiscing, his phone rang and Teru’s name flashed on the screen. He wanted to pick it up, but then he thought the better of it, because he knew that Teru’s calling him up again just to break him like his promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

But again his mind threw him back, back to when they went on a fishing trip, a trip they did a bit too many times for Shohei’s liking, but he went anyway because he loved him so. He couldn’t even convince his better half to let him drive, even when he’d happily do it just so that Teru wouldn’t have to endure driving through the little town street and endless rows of trees for hours. Besides, Teru was a lousy driver – he almost ran the red because he was looking over at Shohei.

They even got lost for a little bit, despite Teru’s frequent visits to the fishing place. But Shohei didn’t care, as long as he’s with Teru, windows flung right open, their favorite song on the radio, and both of them screaming along to the music with no care in the world, lost in the moment.

He would do anything to go back to those days, to going back home after a long day of rehearsals with only the streetlights illuminating the roads as if they’re pointing in an arrowhead leading them home. Now he’s getting drunk yet again in a haunted club, searching for signs of his ex there. He felt a little bit lonely taking the long way home, alone, his only companion the traffic lights. He was wasted enough to ask the traffic lights if things would be alright again, ignoring the passersby throwing him dirty looks. At this point, he’d take anything and everything as a sign, after a failed attempt at searching for them in the club. And he could’ve sworn the traffic lights said they don’t know.

But clearly, getting drunk was not enough, because there they were again in the middle of the night, dancing barefoot around the kitchen in the refrigerator light. One of his nightmares had woken him up yet again, and he needed water – or anything from the fridge – to calm himself down. He snuck away from the bed, being extra careful as to not wake the sleeping man next to him. He went downstairs and opened the fridge, and he felt strong arms wrapped around his waist and lips on his neck. Startled, he almost wanted to hit the man he loved, but then decided against it. He really thought that he memorized the creaks in the floor of their apartment, but like their relationship, he guessed he wasn’t being careful enough.

He really missed those days when Teru was there, because this time, when the flashbacks woke him up, he wasn’t there to hold him.

Shohei’s mind threw him back again, to looking back at photo albums on the counter of Teru’s childhood home. Teru’s cheeks were turning red as they flipped over the photo album full of him in tiny little glasses, his mom occasionally telling quirky little stories of his naught. He remembered going to his bedroom after, a twin-sized bed tucked neatly on the corner, untouched for almost a decade. That was until both of them sat on it, Teru telling him more about the past, thinking his future was Shohei.

He knew that those times were long gone, and that there was nothing else that he could do to change what could’ve been the future Teru was talking about. Shohei’s been trying to force himself to forget about Teru, wishing he hadn’t forgotten exactly why he needed to forget him in the first place.

So when he saw Teru for the first time after the breakup, he couldn’t focus on the band rehearsals. He kept making mistakes because he was distracted by Teru’s sweet disposition, his back facing him. He reminisced on how he would write his name on it, hoping that it would leave a mark like a bloodstain, showing the world that he was his. But he couldn’t now because he isn’t, and it was enough for Shohei to send him into an emotional spiral, making the beats of his drums off. When Teru asked if he was okay, he could only fake a smile and said that he was, but really, he wasn’t fine at all.

Recalling how before all the drama, he remembered that one chilly winter day when they went over to Teru’s sister’s house, and how he had worn his favorite scarf and left it there. He remembered Teru saying he’d get it back for him, and how even after saying that he never did.

He could still see them all vividly, even after all the time that has passed. As if he was paralyzed by it, time won’t seem to fly. It’s clearly taking its sweet time erasing his past love. He wanted to go back to his old self again – back to before impromptu fishing trips and nights where Teru made him his own, but he’s still trying to find it. He’s trying to find a part of him that Teru didn’t touch, but he couldn’t. His heart, his hips, his body, his love, all of them were taken up by him. He gave Teru so much - his time, his beer, his spirit, his soul, but he felt like it wasn’t enough for him. Shohei almost expected Teru to give him as much, but maybe he asked for too much. Maybe they got lost in translation, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece until they tore it all up.

Shohei felt like a crumpled up piece of paper that Teru threw away. Like a rough draft, scrapped and forgotten. No matter what you do to a crumpled up piece of paper that he is, you can’t make that sheet into the clean, pure piece of paper that he originally was. And he still remembered everything as he had all of Teru’s “work” written on him.

Their relationship was so strong, that once they broke up, he was forever changed.

* * *

Little did he know that Teru was having the same inner turmoil as he was, in the apartment where it all began and ended. Remembering back when he loved him so, he’s cursing himself for letting the one real thing he’d ever known slip away from his fingers.

He opened his drawer and took out the scarf that his past love left in his little sister’s house, holding it tightly in his grip. He took a big sniff, inhaling Shohei’s scent from the scarf. He’s already mailed all of Shohei’s other items, but couldn’t get rid of the scarf. It reminded him so much of the innocence of that time in his life, when even a kiss was exciting.

He sat in their old bedroom by the window, mystified by how this city and this apartment screamed his name. He wanted to leave that apartment as soon as Shohei left, because he saw ghosts of him everywhere. But he couldn’t make himself to, because leaving would mean to forget what they had together. To forget what once was theirs, and is no one’s now. Because he still remembered it all.

Their drunken exchange, three hand squeezes in the back of the taxi, he remembered it all.

Wind in his long hair and the cold autumn air blowing on their face, he remembered it all.

Down the stairs, the bulb of the refrigerator luminescent between the creaks of the floor, he remembered it all.

His baby pictures, telling Shohei that they were a great love, one for the ages, he remembered it all.

It was rare, he was there,

and he remembered it, all too well.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope this isn't too out of character? let me know what you think hehe :)v  
> also i first planned this as a one shot but might do a sequel where it's less sad


End file.
